Welcome to Autism Blueprint Quick Tips; A mini episode where I share a quick nugget of knowledge to help you on your autism journey.
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Today’s Topic: Maintaining Your Sanity As An Autism Parent During Quarantine
- How to regulate your body to combat stress.
- Managing your expectations and guilt.
- How to let go of perfectionism.
- Reminders that this time is a learning curve for all of us.
Mentioned on the podcast:
Article: Advice On Raising Kids During Coronavirus: Be The World’s Okayest Mom
FREE Online Support Group For Autism Parents During COVID-19
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Transcript of the Episode
Maintaining Your Sanity As An Autism Parent During Quarantine
During this unprecedented time, parents need guidance. But for autism parents, this quarantine stuff is particularly stressful due to our kids’ extenuating needs. Their desire for routine and structure, resistance to change, sensory needs, and for many- inability to adequately express their needs can make for some very challenging days. So there are some words of wisdom I’ve gathered both from my own experience over the past few weeks, in working with my clients and also from other mental health professionals. And today I want to share them with you. While most of my episodes focus on parents and professionals, today I want to just speak to the parents and offer what I hope will be a small lifeline.
Expectations and guilt
The very first thing I want to make sure you’re doing, is to lower your expectations of yourself. If you spend any time on social media you may be seeing that many your friends are taking up are hobbies at home, cleaning out closets, redecorating their homes, or writing the great american novel. You get the picture. But for our families, its usually all hand on deck- and it’s difficult if not impossible to get done what we need to let alone take on a new project. So I want you to be aware that you may be silently putting some pressure on yourself and then feeling guilty for not being able to keep up. Let that go! How? By first becoming aware of it, and then deciding it’s not serving you. From a purely logical point of view, you really don’t have time to stress about anything else right now. That being said, if you’re anything like me, sometimes a good closet cleaning helps manage your anxiety. If that’s the case, make some time to do it and enjoy it. But because we have so many have to’s, if you don’t want to, that’s totally okay.
Be the “okayest’ parent
Perfectionism is rampant in our society. And there’s just no room for it in a n autism household, especially now. I read an article the other day called Advice during the coronavirus; be the worlds okayest mom. https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/advice-on-raising-kids-during-coronavirus-worlds-okayest-mom-163152537.html?soc_src=yahooapp
It really helped me put life into perspective right now and allowed me to let go of some of the expectations I had of myself. It’s a crazy time when all parents are being asked to become homeschool teachers. And in our houses, some us have had to become special education teachers overnight. We need to realize that this is an unrealistic expectation. Do the best you can. And if that means you don’t do school in the traditional sense, that’s okay. Many of you may realize that homeschooling isn’t as hard as you thought, and you may even be seeing gains in your child that you hadn’t even imagine. If you think about it, the less our kids need to transition from one space to another with all of the other kids, lights and sounds, the easier life is for them and the better they can learn. For others, you may be seeing your child regress a bit, due to the lack of their familiar programming and school day. Please don’t panic. I’ve been raising a child with autism for 22 years and we’ve seen our share of regression. It’s part of the process. Their trajectory of growth does not follow a straight line moving up the curve; it can be all over the place. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t learning and growing. If you make your goal right now to try and maintain wherever your child is, and get through each day, one at a time, rather than expecting lots of new growth, you’ll be ahead of the game and pleasantly surprised when they come up with a new skill you haven’t seen before.
Calm your body
We keep a lot of tension in our bodies. Actually, we feel all of our emotions in our bodies. But we are often not aware of it. So I want you to checkin with your body from time to time throughout the day. This can be a full body scan, or just a moment to bring your awareness to where you might be holding your stress. Here’s how to do it:
Let’s say you’re watching your kids play in the back yard. Take a moment to bring your awareness to your body- particularly your neck, jaw and shoulders, which is where we tend to hold the most stress. If you neck is tight, roll it around a bit. Lift your shoulders up and then down a few times, and unclench your jaw, removing your tongue from the roof of your mouth and allowing it to lie flat. Then scan your body from the tip of your head down until you get to the tips of your toes, each time you notice tension or an uncomfortable sensation, tighten the muscles around that are and then let it go, breathing out as you do, so for example if I feel my hands are holding tension, ball them into fists, and then stretch then out. Keep in mind that when our bodies are calm, our minds follow. Taking a few deep breaths- in for 4, hold for the count of five and out for six, can decrease your heart rate almost immediately. Also remember that certain activities can help your body to be calm and these will vary depending on your personal preference; swimming, running, walking and physical activity can be a great way to release stress and tension. Yoga and simple stretches can be helpful. Mediation or prayer might be something you gravitate to. Whatever it is, please don’t make up the excuse that you don’t have time. It only takes a few moments of mindfulness to reap the benefits. Think about how many times you use the bathroom in a day. If each time you do, you take a few deep mindful breaths, meditate for one full minute, or even scan your body for tension, that’s better than nothing. The average person pees 4-10 times each day. Do the math and you’re doing pretty well.
Respect the learning curve of this time period
We are all going through this corona virus outbreak. I know it’s a bit of a different experience for each of us, but the anxieties and concerns, the fact that our lives are on hold, and that many of us will need to readjust, are all things we have in common. As a therapist, I don’t have many answers. I’m going through it too. But I’m not changing much of my core beliefs in how I help clients, which is to encourage self care, (whatever that looks like for you), feel your feelings, presume your child’s competence and know your limits. Rather than allowing those feelings of helplessness take over, remind yourself that you’re not the only one, and that others are doing this too. And most of us don’t know really how to do this. We’re learning as we go. And it’s going to be the biggest experiment in stress management we’ve ever encountered. But that doesn’t mean we can’t do it.
Lastly, a few words to those of you who have to work out in the world, and those who can’t work…
I’m so painfully aware of my privilege right now. I have a profession that allows me to still serve my clients while maintaining distance and staying safe in my home. We’ve moved our entire operation online and have been fortunate enough to not suffer too much financially, I am aware that this is not the case for many of you. And I’m also aware that that could even change. Nothing is really certain anymore. Many are completely out of work due to the virus. Others have lost their businesses they worked so hard for. Too many people have loved ones who are sick and who have passed away and they can’t even properly mourn right now. My heart goes out to all of you. And to those parents who are working on the front lines, in hospitals, nursing homes, group homes, grocery stores, to first responders and anyone else I may have forgotten who are still out there working on our behalf, I want to thank you and encourage you to do all you can to stay safe and protected. I know many you are staying away from or isolated from your families in order to keep them safe. This will eventually end even though it might not seem like it. And that’s when you might be able to get the self care you need. Until then, please take care as best you can.
If you’re stuck in the house and in need of connection, we’re offering a free online support group that will have limited space, but you’re more than welcome to join us. Just for autism parents to have space to come together and get some support. We will meet Mondays at 7pm US Eastern time starting next week. So please look in the show notes for a sign up button. It’s free but we need an idea of how many are interested in case we need to create a second group. So check out autism blueprint dot com for all the details.
Stay safe, stay healthy and take care guys. And remember, you’re not alone- there are lots of us.
Music in this episode: Happy Whistling Ukelele by Sea Stock
Disclaimer: The information in this podcast is not intended to be a substitute for help from a licensed mental health professional.
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